Early Farewell to 2006

As the year winds down, I find myself excited that it’s coming to a close. 2006 was not a good year for the roses. Officially my most stressful year in a long time, it has taken a toll on me both physically and mentally and while I am recovering, it’s been a wee bit difficult picking myself up and dusting me off.

The year started on a bad note – with tensions high over PhD applications. Then in February, my thesis director passed away. As I struggled with my thesis committee and my thesis in general, I toyed with abandoning it completely. I didn’t want to do Gordimer without Gay. So much of my research revolved around Gay and her own postcolonial work that it was painful to do it without her. I couldn’t focus on the task at hand. Months later, I’ll say that I’m glad I went through with my Gordimer research – but it was certainly difficult rediscovering my passion for South African literature without Gay. As the year rolled along and the seasons began to change, I was forced to deal with the actually writing and defending of the thesis. I never realized, or had never been in a situation, where so much was riding on something I was doing solo. While the defense was in many ways liberating, the build up was enough to tear me down. Toss PhD rejections into the mix, and I was not at my best during those times.

And then it came. The infamous acceptance letter. To stay or go – that was the question. In the end, after much personal debating, I turned Georgia and my PhD down. Maybe I’ll rekindle the PhD dream on another day. You’d think after defending my thesis and making plans to move to the Triangle and find a job, I’d be happy. But May brought about a close. Graduation means change. Friends moved. And a life for so long spent in school, became quite empty outside of it. I’ve never been the best with change, and my own moving and trying to find a job kept me in a constant state of disarray. Months were spent job searching and then, finally, SUCCESS. I thought the year had turned. But before the dust had settled, my grandmother passed away. And then, less than a month later, my grandfather became extremely ill and almost died. And now, a month after that – I’m waiting for the close of the year in hopes that everything remains stable and constant between now and the start of ’07.

I still question my decision to turn down Atlanta. I’m not sure my reasons were pure. I still wonder about my current employment situation – is it really what I should be doing? And I’m still petrified that something will happen to any of the three remaining grandparents. I don’t like stress. I don’t like this constant worry and self-doubt. My face keeps breaking out and my stomach is daily in knots and let’s not mention that the headaches are back in full force. That must change. That is not me. I’m supposed to be a happy gal.

I’m trying to end the year on a good note in hopes that it rings in ’07 in the best of notes. A very much loved friend is visiting this coming weekend and it has the makings of being one really fantastical weekend. Kara and Adrienne will both be around during the holidays at some point in time and when all of us kids get together, it truly brightens my day. On a good note, this year will end. On a good note.